Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
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