I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
