Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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