Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
