I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
