1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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