We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
