I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
