Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
