im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
