Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
