genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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