oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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