I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
