god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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