sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
