allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
