"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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