Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize