I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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