So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
