Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
