Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
