Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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