Yo dont text me then not text me
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
