there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
