Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Randomize
