If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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