if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
