WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
