If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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