its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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