so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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