Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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