I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
