Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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