Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
