happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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