look no pants
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
