Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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