Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We named our party play list daddy issues
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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