yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he puts the penis in happiness.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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