he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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