Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
