i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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