So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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