What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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