It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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