now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think i got beer on your cat.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
