2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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