Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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