whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
