Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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