I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
