She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
