I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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