I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
